1 hundred million and a half jelly beans

Objects are closer than they appear.  Please forgive the random jump about!  :)  I have to admit, I started this whole blog thing with guns ablazin', committed to myself to write at least every other day.... and, well...I failed a bit.  However, here I am, with the newest installment of Once Upon a Happily to  discuss jelly beans!  Yes, Jelly Belly jelly beans actually.  These are my ultimate kryptonite.  I can count out a serving size, which is 37 beans, by sight.  Yes, I have this locked into memory from years of doing Weight Watchers.  This past weekend, I happened across a bag of beans and grabbed a handful.  Then I went back for another handful.  I think I hit that bag of beans 2 more times and then felt sick.  Angry.  Mad at myself.  Embarrassed and Guilty.  So I went to bed.  I did have a nightmare (don't laugh... ok, you can laugh) that all these millions of zombie Jelly Belly jelly beans had little arms and legs and were attacking me... starting at my toes.  I woke up in a cold sweat and remembered back to the many, many times in my life where I have fallen before.  We have all had low, dark times that we don't want to remember.  That we truly care to forget.  I have been called an inspiration a few times by some amazing people and I wonder how I could be an inspiration.  Me?  The Jelly Belly Girl???  I just try to live and love each day.  I have had so many ups and downs in life and have finally decided to live my life for me.  I am doing things I want and living how I want.  In my past, I have given into food, I have given into alcohol, I have given into cigarettes, I have given into caffeine, I have given into too much sleep or too little sleep, but mostly, I have given into everyone else.  There are things I have done that I am embarrassed to even remember.  I am not proud of choices I have made, but I have also realized that none of those things ever made me nearly as happy or as complete as I finally feel now.  Focusing on my health, my fitness, my glass half full way of life has completely turned me around.  In doing so, if I have been able to motivate others, that is an added bonus!!!  Forgive me, but I am completely selfish in my life now.  I am doing for me, finally, for once.  It has taken many trials and tribulations to truly realize that if I am not happy, I can't make anyone else happy.  This past year has been a very successful journey for me, and I am very proud of myself.  Yes, I still fall, but I wipe myself up and get right back on track again.  For those that I love and may have motivated even a little, please know, as easy as I make this look, it is a decision I make every day.  I wake up and choose to be happy.  I choose to be healthy.  I choose to try and help others.  I choose to smile.  I still make bad decisions, trust me, I do.  I have eaten a whole pizza by myself.  I have eaten a whole Five Guys double cheeseburger with everything AND an entire sack of fries.  I like beer.  I like cheetos.  And, then of course, there are the Jelly Bellys.  I am human.  I make mistakes.  I make wrong decisions.  I don't know everything.  However, I try to see the beauty and the good in everyone, including myself, everyday... even after a zombie Jelly Belly attack!  I tell everyone, I will help you, but you really have to WANT this.  Otherwise, you are wasting my time, and your time.  Once you really want it, it will work for you!  I have tried and failed as many times as there are Jelly Bellys that I have eaten!  Bottom line... you can do anything you want as long as you want it bad enough and you care about yourself enough to dedicate your life to you!  xoxo

Best Spawn Ever!!!!!!

For those of you that have children you understand the challenge each day can bring.  You also understand the joy each day can bring!  You would be lying to yourself if you said you had never imagined what life would be like without them, however, you also can't imagine life without them.  Every day I work my ass off so I can give to my son everything he could possibly want.  I know he appreciates it.  Is he spoiled?  Oh HELL yea!  Who doesn't want to spoil their children???  He is not greedy though.  In fact, he is one of the kindest, sweetest, most stubborn yet lovable 11 year old boys I have ever met.  I am not just saying that because he is mine.  I know he is not perfect.  Like the times he does not do chores.  Or when he carved the handles on the refrigerator door.  Or lost his phone x 2.  Or says he did something, but didn't, then tries to cover it up with a big smile and looking up at me with those big blue eyes.  Or when he flicks boogers on the walls.  You get the picture... you have the same battles... or you will!  There are those shining moments though that make me so proud!  The times he does extra chores.  The times I don't have to ask him 20 times to do something.  The times when he asks me if I had a good day, or if I am ok.  The hugs, the smiles.  The times he makes dinner.  Yes, he makes dinner.  And cookies.  Last night he made chicken and mushrooms.  Delish!  Even though he almost burned down our home.  Not really, I guess there was just smoke, a lot of smoke.  Enough to set the fire alarm off.  Was I scared when he told me about it?  Yes.  Do I trust him to know the right thing to do?  Yes.  It's moments like that when I realize I am succeeding as a Momster.  Even though I work a lot, I have taught him the right things about life.  Read the directions.  Don't over salt food.  If there is smoke, open a window.  Never use water on a grease fire.  If it makes noise, check it out.  Hot water and soap are a necessity, but test the water with your pinky first.  Don't be afraid to try new things.  Don't be afraid of the dark.  People are scarier than ghosts.  Trust needs to be earned.  You can have many people in your life, but you will only have a few close friends.  Rely on yourself before you rely on anyone else.  Don't give up.  If you work hard, good things will come to you.  Positive brings positive.  Hugs and kisses make the world a better place.  Dessert can be eaten before dinner.... as long as it is fruit.  Make eye contact with everyone and keep smiling.  Do what you want as long as it harms none.  That is probably the most important.  Even at the age of 11 he understands that it is ok to try new things and create new memories as long as no one else gets hurt in the process.  He sees my zest for life and seems to be following in my footsteps.  He wants to experience new places, new foods, meet new people and see new things.  I even have him talking about the possibility of being on The Amazing Race with me when he gets older!  I told him I started my training so he better step it up.  He said, "Ok Mom, next commercial..."  Alright, alright.... so I still have some work to do.  But I am proud of him, and he's proud of me.  At the end of every day as I lay in bed deciding which parts of the day I want to store away and which ones I want to discard completely, I cherish all of my moments with him.  Every single one!  I am so proud of that little boy and how far he has come after all he has been through!  I live to hear him singing and to see him dancing in the kitchen while I am making dinner, because I know he is happy.  And better yet, I know he is listening and watching and soaking up everything I tell him... even if it does not seem so.  Let your little ones experience more, do more, try more.  Allow them to be their own person and you better be their hero.  Do silly things together and check out fun places, don't just talk about it.  Do it.  It will mean everything to you and them!  xoxo

Life Eternal

Another rather slow day at work, but I knew this would be the case.  February is always slow in this industry.  Idle chit chat about the weekend, some people I care to hear what they did, some I walk away from.  I can't pretend to be interested if I'm not.  Sounds rude right?  Sorry, just keeping it real.  I think back to my weekend and realize how lucky I am to be able to do the things I want to do.  I reflect on some of the conversations I've had with friends and am grateful that I have decided to surround myself with such amazing people.  More people need to take their life in their hands and make it theirs!  Stop trying to please people that don't matter and put that energy into yourself and the ones that do matter!  There is someone in my life, whom I love dearly, that once said to me, "You are so amazing!  A true inspiration!  Your passion for life is inspiring!"  I think about that all the time and understand the importance of it!  In no way do I want someone to do anything to harm themselves or their loved ones, but I do wish more people would see one day at a time.  Live Each Day.  Love it and embrace it.  I offer help and guidance to all of my friends and loved ones and it is their choice to incorporate anything I tell them into their own lives.  I will not hound you, I will not demand of you, I will only try to help.  At the end of it all, it is your life and only you can make it your own.  Only you can make things happen that you desire.  Stop waiting for things to "get better" or "change on their own"  No one can make you be a better you.  Start small if you have to.  Detach yourself from all of the toxic people in your life and surround yourself with happy, upbeat, positive people.  Unless you like being miserable.  And if that's the case, you may not want to subscribe to my blog, because I tend to be pretty positive, glass is always half full :).  I am proud of my friends that have asked for help and have decided to make changes in their life.  I hope they realize how proud I am of them and hopefully they understand the huge step they have taken and shine in self glory and pride!  Change isn't for everyone.  Some people get comfortable and would rather be stagnant because they fear change.  I embrace change and see it as an opportunity to keep bettering myself.  Sometimes I fall back, but I always plunge forward twice as hard to turn it into a learning experience and grow from it!  I was asked this past weekend if I would ever get married again.  Years ago I would always answer immediately with, "Oh hell NO!!!!"  However, now I know that one should never be so quick to answer in such a negative way.  I am open to marriage if everything else lines up.  I would never put such a strict barrier on my life just based on one bad experience.  I will never rush into another relationship, especially not one as permanent as marriage, but I am open to it.  I will however never have any more children :)  Sorry, my son is perfect so why try again!  The title of this, today is "Life Eternal"... Why?  You all know I am not religious by typical standards as I have my own set of beliefs, so why "Life Eternal"?  In my hopes of having everyone see the beauty in every day I hoped you would take a curious moment to read this.  Some of you have known me at my darkest hours, some of how have only known me at my brightest moments, but please always learn to take each of your own moments and learn from them, as I have with mine.  A few months back I asked two of the most important people in my life what 1 word they think describes me.  The first person I asked said "Life" (this is the same person that said my passion for life was inspiring) The second person said "Eternal" because it was all encompassing.  I am eternally happy, eternally willing to help, eternally grateful for each day, an eternal friend and confidant... to me, that makes sense.  So I ask of you.... what mark are you leaving?  if you asked the people closest to you what one word describes you, what do you think they would say?  Are you happy with those answers?  If not, it's time to dig deep and make those necessary changes....

That AHAAAAA Moment....

Do you have one?  Think about it..... it could be good, or bad.  Do you have one?  I have had too many to name really!  The most recent just happened last night.  I was at crossfit, which I can't get enough of, and had a brief "I Suck" moment, followed by a standing "I Will Get Better" moment.  The warm up was a run... yes, yes, I have now run 2 days in a row and have not died!  Begin wod.....being that it was only my 2nd crossfit experience, my trainer told me to scale it down.  Which I was grateful for after what seemed like a 12 mile warm up jog!  I did the first set of sit ups and was fine.  Started throwing this 10lb ball up at the wall and catching it in a squat, and was fine. On the second set of sit ups, I literally pulled an ab muscle and it fucked me up.  Every set after that I had to pull up by grabbing on to my thighs for each and every sit up!  My scaled down reps were 25, 20, 15, 10, and 5 (I tried to be a trooper and did the last 2 at 20 and 10).  I did it, I was done!  I looked around and saw mostly everyone else was still working at it.  Amidst all of the sweat and grunts and groans, I kept smiling through the anger at my own self.  How do you hurt yourself doing a freaking sit up???  Why did I allow for a scaled back version?  Why didn't I get all the way down on those squats?  I know I'm better than that!  My trainer asked how I was doing and of course I replied with, "I'm fine, I'm good"  I should have said, "I'm pissed!"  That was my Ahaaaaa moment!  It wasn't a good one.  I realized that I am holding back on my workouts.  Why?  What am I afraid of?  I will hurt myself more by holding back instead of giving 110%.  Is it because I am new and don't want to get too comfortable too quick?  Is it because I am worried about not being good enough?  All I know is I owe it to myself, my trainer and my fellow crossfit members to go balls out (boobs out? don't have balls) and get after it!  I need to leave all of my fears at the door and get past them.  We all do.  What are you going to do turn any negative "Ahaaaaa moment" into a positive one?  For me, I know I will keep smiling, because that is what I do.  And I guarantee next time I won't hold back.... well, at least I will try not to :)